WARNING: I HAVE THE WRITING LEVEL OF A PREMATURE FETUS AND LISTENED TO KODAK BLACK THE WHOLE TIME I WROTE THIS.
I have one name and one name only … Joel Embiid. The fact that Embiid told Ben Simmons that Donald Trump was going to deport him can only mean he is up for MVP talk already. Ben Simmons getting injured was a definite loss, but the real loss this offseason was that the magical Elton Brand retired and will be missed for all of time. The difference maker for this team this year will be Nik “Sauce Castillo” Stauskas for his nickname, and that will be the driving force for this team on getting more than 20 wins this season (yeah, I know, bold prediction).
All right first of all.. me being from Wisconsin, the Bucks are winning their division, and that’s a fact. Milwaukee made some key additions this off season a.k.a. just Michael Beasley. The fact that the Bucks now have a player that smokes weed is a feat in itself and boosts them about three spots in the division. They also got Tony Snell who happens to be a demi-God. We still have a Plumlee, so that’s one of the negatives, but we got rid of MCW so that cancels that out. With Michael Beasley on the squad, the Bucks are title contenders once again for the first time since Marquis Daniels was on the team.
Okay, so this Bulls team will get last in the Central Division because they have the cancerous Michael Carter-Williams on their team. Even though, they got the best two free agents if we were still in 2008 in Rajon Rondo and Dwyane Wade. That still cannot defeat the cold hard fact that they got the worst end of any trade in the past three years with losing Tony Snell and getting Michael Carter-Williams. I predict no more than 15 wins this year for the Chicago Bulls. (I’m sorry, Ryne.)
Alright, since the Cavs have signed J.R. Smith back to the team, there is no way they will repeat. We can also bring up that they have the best player in the league, but they have the best guard duo of all time in J.R. and Iman Shumpert. Cleveland also signed Chris “Birdman” Anderson so they will finally have an All-Star talent in the post and James Jones and Mike Dunleavy are the sharpshooters every team dreams of, so a title repeat isn’t a boisterous prediction.
First, I’m starting this off by saying Gerald Green is going to win the 2016-2017 NBA KIA MVP, and there’s not really much to say other than that. Isaiah Thomas is an All-Star talent, and you can’t go wrong with the pick up of Al Horford. I’m also a very big fan of every former Raptor player, so I expect Amir Johnson will show out his fantastic array of tattoos and talent this year. I predict about the same as last year if not a tad better from Boston.
Los Angeles Clippers
Meek Mill has referenced Blake Griffin too many times for me to really say anything good about the Clippers other than the shining star of their team, Jamal Crawford. (The problem isn’t Blake, it’s Meek Mill.) Any father-son tandems ever in sports make me cringe so there’s strike two on the Clippers, and I feel like Donald Trump secretly likes the Clippers because of Donald Sterling’s comments, and if it wasn’t for Lamar Odom being on this team, they wouldn’t even be a franchise. If I ran the NBA, they wouldn’t make the playoffs, but they will and my opinion doesn’t matter so that’s that.
CHANDLER PARSONNNS (in my best Steven A. Smith voice). The reason this team will go far in the playoffs is simply because Zach Randolph a.k.a. The Junkyard Dog’s picture with his flip phone. Michael Conley is the Most-Boring-Yet-Great player in the league and reminds me of Sierra Mist. Marc Gasol and former-Raptor Vince Barter are high points of this team, but the leading scorer and player is going to be Troy Daniels. I predict that Memphis will probably get the 5th spot in the West.
Okokok, Dennis Schroder will be a top 3 point guard this year without question and getting rid of Jeff Teague was their best idea yet. Any team with Dwight Howard obviously has a ten times more chance to win it all. Kyle Korver is still on the up-and-up and will be kush from three til he’s at least 77 years old.
Editor’s note: Cory will finish this when he has fucking time, okay?